Idaho's Next Governor A Contest To See Who Is The Biggest Asshole

Illustration for article titled Idahos Next Governor A Contest To See Who Is The Biggest Asshole

On Wednesday night, four backwoods yokels squared off to decide who would be the GOP gubernatorial nominee at the GOP Idaho Gubernatorial Debates. Yes, I am passing judgment on them. And not because of their accents.

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I'm passing judgment on them because, for example, one candidate, the irascible Harley Brown (I doubt that Mr. Motorcycle was actually named "Harley" by his parents) showed up for the debate in his motorcycle club's leather vest over a black shirt. Is that his Sunday best? I would think that you would want to look your best for a gubernatorial debate and so you'd wear your Sunday best. So does he roll into church every Sunday in his leather vest?

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Mr. Brown is running on the "I'm an asshole" platform, beginning one portion by turning away from the audience to show off his vest, and saying "Hey diddle diddle; right up the middle." What does that even mean?! Mr. Brown has pledged to be a "turd in a punch bowl." His words.

Another candidate, Walt Bayes appears staunchly opposed to book-learnin', declaring that if "they" - the evil "they" - came out to take his kids to school, he would shoot them. Again, his words, not mine. I used to think that saying you're in favor of education is a bullshit campaign platform because no one takes a stance against education. I was wrong. Mr. Bayes is, in fact, anti-education. He also does not like it when the television talks to him (again, his words) and and brags about standing on his hind legs because I guess he thinks that bipedal locomotion is his leading qualification for the state's highest office.

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I'll just get the joke out of the way now: These candidates put the goober in gubernatorial.

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